I Am Not Boyfriend Material


1: I bottle up my emotions.

It’s not like I don’t have emotion. It’s more like I don’t really need them. Like, what good are they for anyway? It’s not like I can pay bills with them, or the train is gonna come faster if I cry about it. I know it’ll probably be better if I express myself to the woman I love and all, but then I’ll feel like a bitch. I’m no bitch. Okay, if someone really close to me passed away, then I can see me being emotional. But like, I can’t see myself getting all bent outta shape over a chick telling me I’m “immature and need to man up and take the reigns in this relationship, because I need more than just a boy. I need a man.”

2: I am not romantic.

I really can’t seem to nail this one. I’ve given this a shot before. Like, teddy bears, diamonds, expensive restaurants, candles, chocolates, surprise gifts, etc. But, I think I always ruin it when I’m like, “See!?” And it all boils down to, “what the fuck yo!? Let’s just do it!” The reality is, I don’t really wanna be romantic. I’ve heard that the right woman will bring the romance out of me. Wrong! My take on it is, the right woman won’t expect me to do corny shit.

3: I do not like spending money.

Yeah so, the word for this apparently is “cheap”. That is the most inaccurate term. I prefer the term “genius”, because I’ll spend money on shit I need. I just won’t spend my money on stupid shit. Like, what’s the difference between Dallas BBQ and that one really expensive sushi restaurant? Try like, good food and about 30 or 40 less dollars. Plus, sushi sucks! So anyway, you wanna spend all that extra dough just to say we did it. I can understand that. But, you see my face now? I didn’t have fun, and you can fucking tell.

4: I like to stay at home and sleep.

I don’t understand why this is such a huge problem. I thought everyone loved to do this. I’ve realized when you have a girlfriend, you can NEVER do this. Not because you don’t have the time, but because you’re being selfish if you do this. What the fuck is that? You can even recommend she give it a try. Guess what. Not happenin! She never just lays in bed all day. She loves to go out and experience the world every single day of her life. Fucking Google Earth it yo.

5: I do not like to dress up.

Why do I have to like, be all GQ? We’re just going to Dallas BBQ. Besides, it’s not like I was all dressed up when we first met. Reason, because I never dress up. The fact that I have to all of a sudden become Rico Suave makes me believe that I’m not really the guy she wants. I mean, if we’re going to church (which means we’re fucking married) then okay, I’ll dress up. But, having to go and totally switch up my entire wardrobe to become Maximus Douchedomus for her is just ridiculous.

6: I do not like drinking wine.

Ummm, like, wine is cool and all, but not without some beer or some shots in between, or before, or after or something. And wine tasting is a really feminine event. I’ve done it before, and felt kinda like a bitch when I was done. I like, went straight to the corner store and bought a 24 pack of beer all for myself and drank them all that same night. Nothing against getting really shit faced off wine or anything. I just don’t wanna be expected to be all holding wine glasses all faggy and shit when we go out.

7: I like to look at other women.

Alright, so it’s not like I’m gonna just go up to every hot girl in the street and have sex with her. If I could do that then I wouldn’t be talking about any of this bullshit right now. I’d be doing exactly that. Since this isn’t Fantasy Get Laid Whenever You Want World then I believe we should live in reality. It’s almost impossible to not look. And if I have to defend myself every time my eyes involuntarily wander to a new pair of ass and tits, then I’m just gonna believe I’m not with the right woman. Thing is, I’m not out to cheat or anything. So, I expect some type of flexibility, especially with my eye sockets.

8: I have friends.

“They’re the same motherfuckers I was with the day I met you.” I never understood how my friends become bargaining tools in disputes to hangout. Like, yeah I was with them yesterday, but I was with you yesterday too! And me and you hung out way longer! Having friends while you have a girlfriend can go one of two ways, both bad. The cooler your friends are, the less you need to be around them. If your friends are losers according to her then you need to drop them all together. And her friends? You can’t like them. Why? Because SHE can’t stand them. So fucking retarded yo…

9: I do not like women’s entertainment.

This should be so fucking understandable. But you know what? It’s absolutely not. Like, I wouldn’t dare wanna watch football, basketball, or any action movie, or a documentary with my girlfriend if she didn’t wanna watch it. Because I don’t want all the questions and the constant talking and touching and distractions and shit. This does not apply for television and film’s almost 80% women catered programming. Why must I have to endure the drama filled trash to prove I have a sensitive side, or care what she’s into? Fuck team Jacob yo.

10. I just want to do it.

What the fuck!? Let’s just do it!


About Erick's Brain

The mind of a black man trapped in a cynical world. View all posts by Erick's Brain

6 responses to “I Am Not Boyfriend Material

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